oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
