I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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