I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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