dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
