so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
