i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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