When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
