My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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