I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
