i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
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