I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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