I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I will pee on everything he values.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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