My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
