It's Friday. Sex?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
