I'm so fucking centered right now
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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