every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
