So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
