His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
