I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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