My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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