I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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