He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
They took my balls.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
