I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
