i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
