Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Randomize
