why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
