What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
