Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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