I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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