Your face is a jimmy john
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
