He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
