can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Randomize
