We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
