I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
