I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
