Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
