i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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