I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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