I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
