PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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