I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
