I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Randomize
