You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It's blow job season.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
