What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So vagazzling was a success
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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