What did we do last night that was yellow?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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