My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
