no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
