i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
