i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
