It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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