in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
